When I turned ten I felt bad for wanting a present, knowing it would hurt you to be reminded you couldn’t afford it. Realized just now that you must have had money for cigarettes and alcohol, and felt bad for you again realizing that addiction probably actually made it difficult to choose me instead. That you stopped at feeling sorry for yourself for not having money and hating yourself for not being able to earn more instead of moving on to trying to become someone who didn’t have addictions that made putting your children first a struggle. That you couldn’t see outside your pride enough to realize it wasn’t about you being good enough, but about becoming a better, healthier person who could recover from failure and move on to build a better life for us all.
I’m glad to realize that I don’t have a reason to feel sorry for myself or be resentful—I’ve always had what I needed and I think I turned out okay. I do what I can to learn and grow and be resilient against blows to my pride. I’ve been lucky enough to get chances to work on being stable.
I wish you could know what it’s like.
i don’t know what it says about me that i’m tuxedo mask on the ‘which sailor moon sailor are you?’ quiz, but it’s probably right.